In my special report, What I Know For Sure: Lessons Learned in 10 Years of Business, I list 75 topic areas that I have bumped into over ten years. And every day in October, I will randomly choose one of the 75 and expound on it. So here’s today’s:

Get organized!!! Be sure you are moving through
your day methodically. Learn about systems
management. Have a scheduled time every week
for weekly tasks, and every day for daily tasks.
Sounds boring as hell and it is, but it will save
your life.

Do you recognize these pitfalls of being unorganized as an entrepreneur?  1) Losing vitally important notes; 2) Forgetting a commitment you had; 3) Not keeping in regular contact with your clients–and losing money that’s right there on the table for you; 4) Not keeping up to date on your bookeeping; 5) Constantly working because you don’t have a system that balances your work and life.

I have by no means refined the art and science of being fully organized, but I highly recommend that you hire several people to help you: first, a project manager–someone who can oversee your entire business and everything that must get done, and then help you get it done! Having someone who LIKES to manage the many projects on your plate is the best thing you can do for yourself.  Then, a client relationship expert who will set up a system for you to reach out to clients on a regular basis. If you don’t have a system where you reach out to both prospects and clients every week–do you think you will? No, you’ll make something else a priority when nothing else should be–your prospects and clients are your lifeblood!  Then, of course, I recommend hiring a marketing manager, who can get all of your social media out on time–or else it probably won’t–and help you with your sales letters and other promotions. And then, of course, there’s a virtual assistant to do the “grunt” work that you shouldn’t spend your time on.

Get all 75 tips PLUS an invitation to join me in celebrating 10 years on a free call October 10th, PLUS much more! http://inspiredleadershiptraining.com/10Years/report/

In my special report, What I Know For Sure: Lessons Learned in 10 Years of Business, I list 75 topic areas that I have bumped into over ten years. And every day in October, I will randomly choose one of the 75 and expound on it. So here’s today’s:

#44 STOP TELLING. Ask questions. Demolish your urge to be “smarter” than another; to appear wiser and more together or to be right by telling them what to do or what’s best. Your job as a teacher, expert, mentor is to assist in transformation. No one will act because of a directive from you. They will shift because they feel it in them to act. And that will happen in a fraction of the time…if you remove the “period” from the end of your commentary and insert a question mark.

This is one of my favorites because it’s become so obvious to me over the years how committed most people are to telling people what to do. I’ve got more people telling me what to do in my personal life than anyone asking me powerful questions so that I arrive at the answer myself. Likewise, I have found very few coaches who can do this with me well, so finding a good coach has been challenging. I won’t say that they don’t ask questions, but they don’t know what kind to ask, how to frame them (a great question is very carefully crafted), or when and how often to ask them.

Perhaps some examples are in order for how this plays out in daily business conversation. A prospect writes to you because she finds a reply of yours, to one of her emails, offensive.  You can write her back and “tell her” why you chose to write what you did, or you can write her back and ask her to share more of her experience with you. Or better yet, get on the phone and ask her that question, as well as, “What would you have wanted me to say?”

A client is not performing to the standards you both expect. You could “tell her” or “remind” her of the standards, and even what you think she could do to improve…OR you could ask her “What is happening in your life that has you not following through on our agreements?”

It is in telecalls and virtually all other teaching venues when the urge to “tell and be important” raises its ugly-duckling head the most. Rather than tell, tell, tell, your theories, theses, proofs, data, and stories…ASK the audience: what do you think is coming next? What kind of studies do you think were done on this in the 1920′s? What are you seeing here that maybe others missed? Do you see a correlation between this and that? How would you have felt if you’d lost your nerve like that? What do you want to take forward from this?

It seems like one of the least enlightening of all of the 75 tips, doesn’t it? At first-blush. Especially if you’re already a coach. “I ask plenty of questions!” you say.  But I dare you to listen to how you communicate and see how often you  “make a statement” rather than turn it into a question. Improv troupes have a game where the players must ask each other only questions while they keep a fluid and logical conversation flowing. You can take an Improv class, but real life is a better training ground.  Go ahead. I dare you! ASK, DON’T TELL!

Get all 75 tips PLUS an invitation to join me in celebrating 10 years on a free call October 10th, PLUS much more! http://inspiredleadershiptraining.com/10Years/report/

It was October 2001. After nearly nine months of rigorous study and practice, I charged out of the iPEC Coaching school in New Jersey, where I’d just earned my ICF-accredited certification, and was ready to change the world. After all, two years before, I’d left my marriage to do just that (that’s another story) and I figured it was about time I followed through.

Never mind that I had no idea how to run a business. My father had been a minister, my mother a psychotherapist and the very cornerstones of any successful business—selling and marketing—had never been skills they’d needed, and in fact, they had quite openly disparaged them. While it has become a cliché now, I was one of those who truly believed that all it took to be good in business was being good at what I did. And I was great at coaching. So, it wasn’t much of a leap, I figured, to assume I’d be great in business.

Are you laughing? I wish someone had laughed at me and set me straight back then, but I didn’t have any entrepreneurial friends or family members, so they stepped into the poppy field with me and off we marched into my fantasy.

I soon woke up. With a start.

As I’ve said, I had no idea how to sell—but it was all much worse than just that. I didn’t want to sell. Like, fiercely. I honestly would have rather starved—and if it hadn’t been for my ex-husband, I probably would have. Sales people were desperate, sleazy, manipulative. And since I wasn’t any of those, I was not going to risk my reputation and become them. Lesson 1.

I had no target market. If you’ve been a student or client of mine, you’re openly gaping right now—but I assure you, it’s true: I wanted to be a generalist coach. After all, Marianne Williamson and Wayne Dyer didn’t have narrow markets: they spoke to the whole world and so would I. Lesson 2.

Then there was the clarity thing. It was bad enough that the world didn’t really know what a “coach” was outside of sports–and while making the analogy helped, still, furrowed brows dominated the faces of those to whom I tried to describe this new profession. And since I was a generalist, I had very little compelling to say about what I did. Lesson 3.

There’s more to the story–not trying to tease, but too long for a post. Go get the rest PLUS the 75 lessons I learned the hard way: http://inspiredleadershiptraining.com/10Years/report/

There are those who speak with an academic purpose. They
have information that needs to be conveyed.

There are those whose purpose in speaking is to get a result.
A process must be implemented; a change in behavior needs
to occur.

There are those who speak to present a revolutionary idea.
TED talks are famous for this.

And there are those whose purpose is to produce all three.
But without this single element, they’re not likely to succeed
at any of them: Inspiration.

What is inspiration? A dictionary definition is, “Stimulation
of the mind or emotions to a high level of feeling or activity.”

I would remove both uses of the word “or.” One is not
inspired if the emotions are not stimulated. So, to convey
information; to get a result; and to present a revolutionary
idea, the audience must feel. And there’s no point in
inspiring if there is no new activity.

So, as the leader of the room, it is essential that you feel.
How do you evoke emotion in yourself around your topic?

Ask yourself, What is the most influential, far-reaching
impact this topic can have?

If you are not getting there, you will not feel the emotion
that, in turn, inspires.

I was working with a successful, international speaker last
week on a new topic. We were circling around the one he
has been giving for years. But as I listened to him,  I knew
it wasn’t engaging him as it should. I knew it wasn’t deep
enough. And I knew that was because it wasn’t addressing
the farthest-reaching impact this speaker could produce. I
asked him, “What final corral are you herding your audience
into?” (By no means did I mean that to be derogatory; it was
simply a visual device I knew would get at the answer that I
wanted.)

I wanted him to see that his current topic had a deeper end-
result than what he has been sharing. There is an ultimate
corral for them that he has not been moving them into. His
current topic was causing him lethargy because he was only
“herding” them into an intermediary corral; it was only going
so-far…but he didn’t realize that was a problem of any kind.
He didn’t know there was corral beyond! It took our session
for him to see that he wasn’t going far enough.

His topic has been on diversity. I asked him, “What is ultimately
possible if a corporate team accepts one another’s differences?”
He said, essentially, that they would be able to “do more as a
group.” I won’t say more about what we came to, as it is now
turning into a proprietary signature talk for him–but what he
saw was that he was stopping too short in the process and as
a result, was not speaking about a topic that was his truest
calling, his truest purpose. As a result, it was causing him to
be stopped short in his passion. He saw that he needed to design
a talk about the “final corral”: the potential of a group.

His voicemail the next day made me laugh: “Guru, Lizabeth!
Master, Expert, Brain-Sticky, Inspired Leader, awesome
Lizabeth! This is one of your most devoted fans. Thank you for
drilling down to what I am SOO passionate about, that I didn’t
even realize was there!”

In order to “stimulate the mind and emotions to a high level
of feeling and activity”—you must do the same for yourself
first. And that will come only when you are speaking about
the “final corral.” It may be very true that you, like my client,
are stopping too short, and short-changing your audience and
the results you could get.

As an Inspired Leader, it’s time to come into your own, and
drill down to your core-most purpose for being on a stage.
Ask yourself, What is the most influential, far-reaching
impact this topic can have?

Be sure to join me on my free 90-minute telecourse next
Monday: Secrets of Impact and Influence: The New Paradigm
of Public Speaking. It’s not your typical free teleclass!
www.bit.ly-sii-teleclass

So, the fear of public speaking is not a fear of speaking, it’s a fear of being humiliated and ridiculed. That is what we fear more than death. Unfortunately, what we fear most, we tend to draw to us. It happened to me years ago. Let me tell you the story.

I was attending a weekend workshop with a public speaking teacher from the west coast. He had talked at another seminar I’d been to the previous month, so when I learned that he was coming to New York, I jumped on the chance to see him more “up close and personal.” Once there, I found myself immediately wanting to impress him [self-importance leads to fear, see previous post]. I knew I was pretty good in front of an audience (even before I learned the New Paradigm techniques I teach today) and I wanted to prove that to him. In addition, someone else was in attendance whom I wanted to impress. Can you see it? I was doomed before I even began because I was focused so narrowly on myself, out of feelings of insecurity.

We were told, once in the seminar, that over the next 48 hours, we would be giving a 20 minute speech for critique. It could be on any subject. As the hours passed, I began to panic. I had no idea what to talk about; I was in the midst of changing the direction of my business and had no strong thoughts formulated yet that could be worked into a speech. I began to over-think and “downshift.” Downshifting is when we move out of our frontal lobes, where we do our higher-thinking processing, and shift down into the old “reptilian” part of the brain, where there is little thinking, only emotion. By Sunday afternoon, I was fully downshifted when it was my turn to speak. 

 
In that state—with a topic I’d conjured just a few minutes before my turn–I gave an interactive presentation that went beyond the scope of a traditional speech. The teacher, who had become a friend and was, as I said, someone I wanted to impress, hated it and held nothing back in a scathing attack that left me—it felt at the time—stripped of dignity. 

There is no question: I was humiliated. I experienced the nightmare everyone tries to avoid when they avoid speaking: public ridicule. 

I left the seminar room for sometime that afternoon and when I returned, I was greeted by compassion and warmth from my peers, but the flame of embarrassment burned all else away.

I tell you this story for a few reasons. One is that it illustrates a powerful force: the self-fulfilling prophecy. This is, I believe, the only reason we will ever actually get ourselves into a humiliating situation: we have all but “ordered it” from the ethers. The fact is, I was so afraid of making a mistake in front of those two idols of mine that I had no choice but to do just that. And what is at the core of these self-fulfilling prophecies? Once again, much too much self-attention. Needing our “self” to be perfect, admirable, important, respected. What we “need” too much, we will destroy.

So, a vital step to being at ease with an audience is reducing your own importance. I help my students move from being speakers to teachers because when we’re teachers, who is important? The ones in the seat, not the one on the stage. Second, you want to acknowledge your neediness because it will sabotage you if it stays unconscious. With awareness, you can summarily dismiss it. The bottom line is, you can only “think yourself” into disaster.

I also tell you this story to make this critical point: Despite that weekend debacle, I teach presenting and speaking skills, and most think I’m pretty good. That weekend didn’t break me. It didn’t diminish me, either. Why? Because I didn’t let it (after a day of processing it, that is.). I experienced everyone’s worst-case public speaking fiasco—but I decided what it meant about me and about my future. The event itself—and the man who critiqued me—had no power to determine that. It was up to me.

And that is the point I want to drive home: nothing can humiliate—or break—you without your consent. You may one day be in a situation as “bad” as the one I was in. If you have a message in you; a business dream to fulfill; change you want to see…you must be willing to let the “worst” happen, knowing it won’t damage you unless you let it.

Years ago, as an empowerment coach, when I felt deep resistance and fear in my clients, I would have them consider their most dreaded future experience, and then have them say aloud, “I am willing to have _________ happen.” They usually choked it out, but they said it. And I would probe deeper: “Why are you willing to have it happen?” And their answer (with my coaching) was, “Because there is nothing I can’t handle.”

And that’s the truth. You can handle any humiliation. Know that. Claim it. Stop stifling your vital communication out of the idea that you will die if you make a mistake. Not only did I not die, I went on to become a teacher of public speaking.

Fear of public speaking is not the problem; it’s a symptom of the problem, which is  the belief that you can be damaged and diminished by someone else or by an event. As long as you believe that, there will be many things you will not do. Public speaking will just be one of them. And day by day, you will leak away the power vested in you to reach your highest potential.

So, I encourage you to do something scary. Tell yourself, “I am willing to be humiliated in front of a group of people.” And ask yourself, “Why are you willing?” You will answer, “Because there is nothing I cannot handle.”

Lizabeth, you may ask yourself, isn’t that creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?? The answer is no. A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs because of fear and resistance—both of which are, unfortunately, magnets for drawing just what you don’t want. Allowing the possibility of humiliation because you know you can handle it comes out of a deep inner power.  Very, very different.

 There is nothing more important than your voice. Do not allow anything to silence it. Ever.

I’m continuing yesterday’s post on this subject because
it continues to be a one that brings otherwise powerful
leaders and experts to their knees.

Yesterday, I put forth the contention that the first step
in getting over the fear of speaking is to stop saying you
are afraid of public speaking–because that’s not accurate.
What you are afraid of is being humiliated–and I outlined
five contributors to this mind-gripping terror. Today,
I am going into some depth with each one. I would love
to hear which one you find has contributed most to your
fears–and what solution you are committed to engaging
so that you get out there with your message!

The 5 Contributors to Fearing Being Humiliated
When Public Speaking

1. We’ve been humiliated publicly. This first issue
is a deep one. We have a primordial reaction to being
shunned publicly—perhaps because throughout history
it has so often meant being ostracized from our clan and
facing life alone. And when it happens to us as a child,
before we’ve learned to engage our reasoning mind to
disengage from our emotionality, the stain of  humiliation
can seem permanent. But only if we allow it to be. As
Eleanor Roosevelt so aptly put it, No one can make you
feel inferior without your consent. And no event defines
who you are unless you let it. You can choose to allow
an experience to define your fragility; you can choose
to allow the past to define your future—but that’s a choice
you’re making. Know that you don’t have to keep yourself
safe anymore. You can handle anything. (See an up-coming
post about my own humiliation years ago.)

2. We’re self-focused, rather than audience-focused.
Rather than giving to the audience, we’re focused on
getting approval from them—which leads to a strong
need to be perfect. Here’s the rub: if we must be perfect,
we’re going to fail because—sit down, if you need to—
we’re not ever going to be perfect. If we feel we must
be perfect but we never will be perfect, we’re in quite
a spot, aren’t we? And ultimately,we know that, which
is what a great deal of the fear is about. So how do you
stop needing to be perfect before an audience? Adjust
your purpose from“needing to get” to “needing to give.”

In the New Paradigm, you are (among many things)
involved with your audience in such a way that you are
not the star, they are. I teach that you are a teacher,
not a speaker, and that shift creates a significant change
in how you view yourself. When you’re there to give
(as teachers are), your self-importance vanishes, and
it is self-importance that fuels fear. You aren’t important,
they are.

Another note on this: it’s also worth accepting that
you’re never going to please everyone. Someone in the
room won’t like you. The question is, Can that be okay
with you?

If it can’t be…why?

Try this tack, too: ask yourself, what’s the worst that
can happen if I forget something—or everything? If the
audience gets up and leaves after the first 10 minutes?
Go through the process of questioning yourself with this.
Answer it the first time. If I forget what I want to say,
the worst thing is I won’t be asked back to speak. And
what’s the worst thing that could happen from that? I’ll
have to find a new group to speak to. And the worst
thing from that? You’ll find, that “the worst”…isn’t.

Finally—if you aren’t perfect? Be self-effacing right
in the moment. People love when speakers acknowledge
their own “mistakes.” Not doing so, however, allows the
awkwardness to “sit in the room,” which isn’t good energy
-management. So, make a joke about yourself and move
on. Your audience will feel what you feel, so the more
confidently and nonchalantly you handle an embarrassing
moment, the more confident they will feel about what you
did, as well.

3. We simply aren’t prepared. Needing to practice
is Public Speaking 101, right? Not for many, many
speakers (especially those who like being in front of
groups; they think their comfort level makes them good,
and often they don’t bother to practice at all.) But even
those who fear speaking don’t realize the incredible power
of knowing their material cold. The greatest fear comes
from not knowing it; that your brain will go blank. So,
practice! Practice in the shower, in the car, doing dishes—
wherever you can. You will walk on the (proverbial) stage
as if you own it when you know your stuff.

4. We’re mimicking “old school” speakers and
presenters. The New Paradigm techniques I teach
tend to mitigate fear because they are so much about
creating energy in the room and being empowered and
self-expressed. But let me share some Old Paradigm
techniques that tend to perpetuate fear: 1) Opening
with your name and a “thank you for coming”—the
first puts an emphasis on you, which will only augment
the fear you already have, and the second puts you in
the weak position of appreciating the audience for taking
the time to list to you—and that insecure stance can
perpetuate fear; 2) “Pouring” information at your
audience from a distance, while they listen quietly—again,
this emphasizes you and your material, which will
increase trepidation and the need to get it right; 3)
Believing you must present yourself as serious and
intellectual—“having to be” anything is going to rattle
your nerves, but feeling you need to appear“important”
is going to send you over the edge; and finally, 4)
Standing behind a podium— physical blockades
symbolize emotional  blockades; the more physical and
emotional distance between you and your audience, the
more nervous you are going to be. Get out from behind
the block and close to your audience.

5. We’re unsure about the value of our message.
Other than being unprepared, little can make us as
nervous as being unsure if others want to hear our message.
I’m not going to give you a pep-talk here; I’m going to
be blunt: make sure it is something they want to
hear. Know your audience. Then, make sure that you
really are giving value. A lot of speakers don’t! They
speak above or below their audiences; they provide
cliché material; they don’t help the audience to see
how it’s valuable in their lives. If you’re nervous about
the value of your message—it may be worth a look. On
the other hand, when you know that you’re giving
extreme value to your audiences, you’ll be chomping
on the bit to give it to them and your nerves will be
jumping for other reasons! That goes back to the giving
vs . getting issue: If you’ve got value to give but you’re
still more focused on getting their approval, fear will
nail you. But giving great value because you can’t wait
to give it? You’ll be irrepressible!

I truly hope these ideas have given you food for thought
because you have a message to get out there!! You cannot
give fear the power any longer. Take over, take control.
Recognize, again, that it is humiliation you fear, not
public speaking.

So, what’s the worst thing that can happen to you if you’re
humiliated? Really dig deep with yourself there and you’ll
find that the “worst” is simply not worth being a slave to
fear any longer, hiding away what you’ve got to say, and
living a life far smaller than you were meant to live.

Nothing is worth that.